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— Full chapters will appear in the printed published book. —
I could never figure out the reasoning behind Cliff’s arbitrary, mean-spirited decisions, and he offered no rational explanations either. Whenever I questioned the logic of his punitive orders, these were some of the dead-end responses he gave:
“Because I told you so.”
“Shut up and do what you’re told.”
“Don’t give me any lip.”
“Get out of here, get out of my sight, young lady.”
“Don’t talk back, just shut your mouth!”
Sometimes after yelling at me, he raised his arm and gestured towards me as if he was about to smack me, but he never did. I got out of his way very quickly. And once it reached that point, I knew I had no choice but to do what he said. It was useless to try to convince him to change his mind or use common sense. His message was always clear, “You do what I tell you to do.”
As a result, I resisted and protested less often, because it just riled him up. I did what I had to do to avoid his rage. Expressing my point of view to him was a futile effort. I decided to stop speaking to him and just listen and observe, focusing on the fact that, unless it was Sunday, I wouldn’t have to see him for long. I could put up with him until I saw the taillights of the car driving down the road away from the house. That meant freedom for me. I knew that someday I wouldn’t be under his power anymore. Someone like him shouldn’t have unbridled supremacy over other people. Someone should have stopped him, but I didn’t know how. And if my mom wouldn’t stand up for me, than no one else would.
Even though Cliff and mom drank heavily, I didn’t have much contact with them when they were drunk. They came home from the beer parlour after midnight, after I was in bed. The social aspect of their drinking must have been of utmost importance to them. They did not drink at home, at least not that I ever witnessed, except for a beer now and then, in the first year or two after we moved there. I didn’t think there was any alcohol stored in the house. My brothers probably would have found it, if there was.
Now mom and Cliff were spending six days a week in the beer parlour. In some ways, I liked the predictability of that. I knew what to expect. At night, I always woke up when I heard the car drive up, the car doors open and close, and the door creak as they entered the house. It was a welcoming sound for me to hear, to know I wasn’t home alone anymore.
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For the first time ever, mom and Cliff brought home another couple to drink with them. I saw Cliff open the trunk and haul out a bottle of rye and some bottles of beer. I wasn’t sure if Cliff would ban me from the house as he did when his son visited, or if he would let me stay inside. When he came in the door, he seemed to be focused on entertaining and trying to impress his drunken guests. I was curious to see how this would all unfold.
It didn’t take very long before I noticed that mom was becoming extremely angry and cantankerous. I decided to stay well out of the way and try to be inconspicuous, a word I learned from Miss Bassett, the opposite of what she called me when she centred me out for laughing. Without saying a word, I slid behind the armchair in the corner by the freezer, it was like a wall between me and anyone else in the room.
I had used that spot before for protection. It was once or twice when Raymond’s friends came to the farm to pick him up and they hung around the house for a while. I supposed they thought a younger sister was fair game for them to harass. “We’re going to grab you by the snatch!” they chided at me. Even though there might be two or three of them trying to get at me, I had the chair in front of me as a fortress and I wasn’t scared of them. I knew they were just being stupid. Raymond was usually just around the corner and as soon as he came into the room, they backed off. They obviously had respect for him. Not for me, but for him.
Mom started an argument with Cliff, claiming he had been flirting with one of the women in the bar who had a reputation for being a whore. I often wondered what kind of idiotic conversations went on in those dingy bars. Now one of them was brought home to me. Cliff denied everything and then he called mom a fat cow and a stupid bitch. Her yelling got louder and louder and less and less coherent. None of it made any sense at all.
My mom lunged after Cliff a few times as he was talking to the guest couple. He pushed her back, she fell down, tried to keep her dress from flying up, and flailed her legs around. I didn’t think she realized how undignified she looked, or maybe she did. Now she had several runs in her nylons from the jagged edges of the flooring. She struggled to get up. Cliff didn’t offer to help. I was staying out of the way. I didn’t want to get anywhere between them when they were in this kind of a mood.
Mom stumbled into the kitchen where she grabbed the steel poker from beside the stove. She came after Cliff with it and tried to hit him across the head. He grabbed it from her and struck her legs with it. She ended up on the floor again, but still kept yelling at him. The other couple sat on the couch like spectators at a boxing match. They continued to quietly drink without commenting or becoming involved in any way. So this was how mom and Cliff acted when they were drunk. I wondered if the beer parlour was full of people acting like this.
Finally, mom managed to pull herself up. She plunked herself on a chair and sat there, barely able to keep from falling over. Cliff stood in front of his guests as if he were at a grandstand, regaling them with his imbecile opinion on everything and ignoring my drunken mom.
Eventually, they all got up and departed together, taking what was left of the booze with them. I watched them get into the car and go, a car full of drunks weaving down the road, on their way to somewhere else to continue their drinking.
Ahhhhhh, now I had the quiet house to myself again.
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Mom and Cliff invited me to come to a New Year’s Eve dance in Vermilion Bay. I never had a chance to go anywhere on New Year’s Eve before. I knew that this was very special and extraordinary. I dressed up in my Minnitaki finest clothes.
When we arrived in Vermilion Bay, we stopped in to visit a couple with two young children. The family ran a gas station and restaurant on the highway, with living quarters in the back. They closed the place at 6 p.m. that evening. When Cliff and mom appeared, the couple got the idea that they might like to go to the dance, too, but they would need a babysitter. It was too late to find one now, but here I was. It was up to me if I wanted to go to the dance or babysit.
I had heard that parents paid higher rates for babysitting on New Year’s Eve, so I calculated that I might possibly make as much as $5. That would be a nice chunk of money for me. Making some extra money was more important to me than spending the night at a dance hall where no one talked to me Even though Cliff and mom would have been with me this time, so I wouldn’t have to sit alone.
The children were already in their pyjamas and they seemed quite well behaved, so it looked like it could be an easy way to earn some money. I decided I would stay and babysit. The couple seemed so pleased about that, so I felt good too.
I put the kids to bed soon after everyone left, and then I wandered around the darkened restaurant section, watching the traffic go by on the highway. It was kind of ghostly. The large windows spanned the whole front of the restaurant so I got a wide-angle view of the highway and the wintry scenery. Someone stopped their car at the gas pump, then peered in the window, realizing the place was closed, so left. I hid behind a pillar so he couldn’t see me.
I watched television for a while, but then dozed off on the couch in the back area next to the bedrooms, where the children were sleeping. It was not possible to get very comfortable in my fancy dress with my garter belt, nylons and high-heeled shoes.
I was awakened by the couple when they came home around 1 a.m. I asked where Cliff and mom were. They had seen them at the dance, but didn’t see them when they left. Maybe they went to somebody’s house after and would pick me up later. When it seemed that no one was coming for me, they gave me a blanket and said I could sleep on the couch. I had no nightgown or undershirt, so I slept in my dress, but took off my nylons. I was deserted again, why should I be surprised.
The next morning, I had to put my nylons back on to help keep my legs and feet warm. It was not very warm in their place. My dress wasn’t very warm either, nor at all suitable for lounging around. I wore my high heels, too, because the tiled floor was so cold on my feet. The couple and their kids were happily running around in sweatshirts, socks and baggy pants. The spacious restaurant was not heated very well, perhaps they turned the heat down when they had no customers. The kids had all their toys spread out throughout the restaurant area, and scooted around on their ride-on toys. It was New Year’s Day, so the restaurant and gas station stayed closed. I wondered if they would drive me home, but I was too shy to ask.
Finally, I asked if I could phone home and talk to my mom. I asked my mom why they didn’t come to pick me up after the dance. She said that they knocked on the door but I didn’t answer it, so they left. They must not have knocked very hard or for very long. I was sure I would have heard them. This would have happened before the couple came home. I wondered if she was lying. Maybe they didn’t stop at all. Maybe they forgot about me or just didn’t care. Or both.
I asked her when they would come and pick me up. My mom didn’t know. Cliff wouldn’t give an answer. I hung up the phone and shrugged. I didn’t know when I would get home and, meanwhile, I was once again a burden on this family. They didn’t want me there, but they could have driven me home if they wanted to get rid of me. The couple made breakfast and we sat in the restaurant part. It was blustery and very cold outside.
I wondered whether there was anything I could do. I felt like a fool out of place, so unwanted and worthless. I wondered if anyone would miss me if I just disappeared into the bush and never showed up again. My mom was oblivious.
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Edith often asked me very pointed questions about my life. I should not have told her anything, but she pressed me for information. I finally admitted to her that I didn’t always do all the work that Cliff told me to do, if I could get away with it and thought he wouldn’t notice. She told me that was a terrible and devious sin and that I must confess it and ask forgiveness from the Lord.
In my opinion, Cliff was the one who should ask forgiveness, not me. Even though his drinking and debauchery disgusted his sister, she would never say one thing against him, and would never say anything in my defence. It was a cruel attack on a young girl’s mind.
I also admitted to Edith that I sometimes had very bad thoughts about Cliff, because he treated me so badly. I didn’t tell her how much I hated him. I knew it was wrong to hate anyone except the devil. I also used the Lord’s name in vain when I cursed him to myself, even though it wasn’t always out loud but in my mind. Sometimes I yelled it when no one could hear me.
Edith told me it was a sin to have bad thoughts about anyone. Quietly, I disagreed with her, though I didn’t argue with her. I sincerely believed Cliff deserved every unspeakable word I said about him. I could never win an argument with Edith or Cliff. Neither one of them would ever listen to reason and logic.
I could never ever tell Edith about how my brothers plotted to shoot and kill her brother. I couldn’t even imagine the horror this confession could unleash. I tried not to even think about this.
Edith told me about a couple who were in a car accident where the husband died and the wife survived. The wife thanked God for saving her and believed that God had chosen her to live, and now she would devote the rest of her life in God’s service. I asked her why God hated the husband so much that he let him die. Why didn’t he save both of them? She told me that was a stupid thing to say. I didn’t think so. It made sense to me. I didn’t think she liked my opinions very much.
It was difficult enough for me to live through the abuse and neglect I experienced every day on the farm, but now, because of her, I had additional burdens of guilt, too. And I also feared that God would punish me. Wasn’t he punishing me enough? Could it possibly get any worse?
These were the adults in my life. Cliff told me I was lazy and useless. My mom didn’t care about me one way or the other. Edith told me I was full of sin and a disgrace to God if I didn’t confess.
So, I dutifully got on my knees every night and prayed. I confessed to God and asked him for forgiveness for hating Cliff so much, for cursing him, for being such an ungrateful child, and for not being respectful to my elders. I also thanked God for all my blessings. And then, every night, I cried myself to sleep, alone in my room. But only briefly, because I was always so tired.
It was a blessing that sleep came quickly.
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