Chapter 39: Planning Our Future

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— Full chapters will appear in the printed published book. —

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“What do your parents say about this?” she asked. “Do they know what you are planning to do?”

I had to stop for a moment and think. This stolid, high-class woman had no idea about my upbringing. She didn’t know that my father committed suicide when I was 10, that I lived with drunks for five years and had to learn how to survive on my own, that my mother had not helped me in any way at all to finance or support my university aspirations. The only one who cared about me was my boyfriend and I wasn’t going to divulge that information to her. She would only criticize me, that much I knew for sure. I didn’t trust her. I wanted to make my move out of this residence as seamless as possible, with no roadblocks put in my way. The less she knew, the better. I also knew I had to be mindful and respectful. I wanted her to cooperate with me and not fight against me.

“My parents know what I plan to do and support me fully in my decision.” I was getting quite good at lying now. I didn’t even blink, nor did I feel any guilt about lying to someone who cannot fathom what I’ve had to experience in my life.

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Perhaps most brides would like to plan their own wedding, but I was so happy that Roland’s family would be planning my wedding in Germany. It was better than anything I could have ever hoped for. The downside of having a wedding so far away was that I knew that my three good friends, Marg, Joan and Colleen, probably wouldn’t be able to come. Flying there was one expense, but the cost of hotels would have added so much more to the price for anyone else. I wanted my mother to be there and that was possible. Roland’s family had enough space for her and for us to stay with them, so the three of us would have no additional costs for accommodation. My brothers would not likely be able to come, either. We were all struggling for money at that time. I never once considered that I would be having my wedding amongst strangers, I had not met any of Roland’s family from Germany. However, I had absolutely no trepidation that they would be the only wedding guests. I was just so happy that I was able to have a wedding.

In spite of all these wonderful things happening in my life, I was depressed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Almost every evening, I would just start crying. There was an aching in my heart and I didn’t know what was causing it. I believed I was homesick. But this made no sense at all. I had always wanted to leave Dryden, so what was I homesick for? I tried so hard to understand my emotions but I couldn’t reason it out. Why was I so sad? I had so much to look forward to. If Roland hadn’t been there with me, to support me, throughout this first year of university, I think I would have quit and gone back home before Christmas. I knew that wouldn’t have made me happy. In fact, I would have felt like a failure, and I would have still wanted to leave Dryden.

“Why are you crying so much?” Roland kept asking me.

I couldn’t explain it to him. I didn’t know why. Perhaps it was because I didn’t have the happy childhood that makes a person feel secure and loved. Perhaps it was because I never felt as if I fit in with others and was accepted by others. It still baffles me when I think about it today. Thankfully, those melancholy feelings slowly diminished and it became easier for me to cope as the days went by. 

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