Chapter 34: The Last Freak Standing

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My mom turned 50 on August 12, 1968. I rarely baked anything those days. I sometimes made some stove-top, no-bake chocolate cookies that we all shared and gobbled up quickly. But I wanted to make my mom feel special for her big milestone birthday. So I made an angel food cake, iced it with whipping cream, and arranged some canned peach slices to spell out “MAW.”

I would always remember the only cake I ever had for my birthday, the one that Mary made for me in grade eight. It made me feel so good and I wanted my mother to feel good too, that she was appreciated and loved. I didn’t think at the time that it was so ironic. My mother never baked me a birthday cake, yet here I was now baking one for her.

Colleen decided to throw a party for a few girlfriends at her summer cottage in Vermilion Bay. Her family’s home was on Wabigoon Lake in Dryden, so I was surprised they had a summer camp just 30 minutes away on another lake. She had never mentioned it before. She asked me to help her with this party. I was quite happy to do that. At least this time, I was helping to plan a party that I was actually invited to! Colleen was leaving to go to Toronto for college before the end of August, so this was somewhat of a send-off party for her.

She decided that we should have beer to drink, plus some chips and other snacks. We would all stay overnight and she wanted me to bring a sleeping bag so we wouldn’t have to wash sheets or make beds afterwards. Colleen was very conscientious. I borrowed a sleeping bag from my brothers’ closet. I knew they had one, but they weren’t using it and wouldn’t notice it was gone.

Colleen’s friends were out of my league, they were popular rah-rahs. But at this party, we would all be equals. In fact, I thought I was a closer friend to Colleen than they were. I was surprised that they would associate with me. One of them was Helen, the person who kicked my books down the hallway in grade nine. I was sure she hadn’t forgotten that. I sure hadn’t. Another one was one of the cutest girls in my 9A class. I knew she didn’t like me. In spite of that, I respected her.

I hated beer but it was the only option for us. I didn’t like wine either, and rum and Coke was awful too. I would just force myself to drink the beer. It was cheap and easy to get. None of us was old enough to legally drink, so we were breaking the law. Colleen got her older brother to buy a case of beer for us. We all chipped in to pay for the supplies that she bought. Even having the case of beer in the car could have meant a fine for her if the police stopped us, but it was a small risk.

Colleen picked me up and we arrived to the cottage first. Not only was there a large main cabin, but they had a guest cabin too. Colleen and I would sleep in the guest cabin and the other girls would sleep in the bigger one. It wasn’t long before the others arrived.

We drank the beer. I managed to drink exactly three and a half bottles of beer over several hours. I forced myself to do it. I thought I might like it if I drank enough of it. I felt terrible. I could not finish the fourth bottle, though I did try. We were all supposed to get drunk, that was the whole plan. Being sober wouldn’t be fun. By the time the sun set, which was late, around 9:30 or 10 p.m., I had a splitting headache and I was definitely staggering a little bit. Colleen told everyone to put on their bathing suits and yelled, “Let’s go swimming!”

On the short walk to the lake, I fell down several times on the stones, climbed over a fallen-down tree and scraped my legs, fell again and found it very difficult to get up. We finally got in the water and swam around for a while. The water wasn’t too cold. Or maybe I was numb from the beer and just couldn’t feel the cold as much. At least I was smart enough to stay in the shallow area where I could touch the bottom of the lake. Someone could have drowned or gotten hurt. But we were having a good time, laughing and singing and being really silly.

I didn’t sleep well that night, I had to get up several times to throw up. The headache still lingered in the morning. It was a rough night for me. It wasn’t much fun, but I enjoyed being included and being a part of this celebration with these girls.

It sounds strange but there was a piano at Colleen’s rustic cottage. I woke up to hearing “The House of the Rising Sun.” Not only was this girl cute, but she was also talented. The sound wafted across the still, clear lake — it was so amazing and beautiful to hear it. We made some coffee, toast and eggs.

Now that I was sober, I noticed all the bloody scratches and gouges on my legs from falling down on the rocks and over the brush. These injuries didn’t hurt the night before, but they sure were painful and swollen now. Why did I drink anyway? All it meant was a lot of suffering. Colleen found some Aspirin and I took one and that helped, but not very much.

Before noon, the other girls left and Colleen and I cleaned up. We swept up the sand and pine needles and washed the floor. She respected her parents so much, they were planning to stay there next weekend and she wanted everything to be neat and tidy for them. Actually, I thought the place was cleaner when we left than when we arrived.

It was early afternoon when we left. Colleen stopped in at another camp to drop off something. This guy named Leonard was there and he needed a ride to Dryden, so Colleen invited him to come back with us. I had never met Leonard before but I knew who he was, as I did most of the students in the school. I knew he had dated Katie, a girl who lived in a house not far from my house. I often saw him walking along Casimir Avenue after school and then turning down the street to her home. He carried her books and they held hands.

Leonard and Katie were a lovely couple, both tall and good-looking, and I knew they had dated for over a year or maybe even longer. Recently, I had seen her with another boy, holding hands, so I knew they had broken up. Leonard had dark hair and beautiful eyes. He was very handsome, what I would call a dreamboat. He wasn’t on any of the athletic teams, but he was physically fit, that’s for sure. He was smart and planned to go to university to study engineering. Another engineer. I should have known that engineers were not my type.

Colleen and I sat in the front of the car and Leonard sat in the back seat. On the drive back, he asked me lots of questions about myself, where I worked, what I was doing this year. I was surprised about that, that anyone would take that much interest in me and my life, especially someone as handsome as him. I found it very comfortable to talk to him. I turned halfway around in my seat so I could look at him when we talked. He was so nice and polite. I didn’t think I would see him again.

Colleen stopped at my house. I said goodbye to her, wished her well in college, and told her I’d miss her. I said goodbye to Leonard and he said goodbye to me. Then they left and I didn’t really think too much about it.

The next weekend, the last weekend before school started, the town was putting on the first outdoor dance party that Dryden ever had. The weather was perfect for it. It was a warm summer night especially considering the time of year. My brother Doug was visiting from Toronto, so that was exciting too. That evening, he had gone out with my other brothers.

I phoned Joan and asked her if she wanted to meet at the party and she agreed. The admission was free and the location was the large parking lot across from Timberlanes. I could hear the live band from a few blocks away as I got closer.

A huge, lively crowd of people packed into the parking lot, people of all ages. It looked like half the town had shown up. I looked around for Joan but couldn’t find her. Maybe she was still on her way. It seemed like everybody from school was there too. They were all tanned and good-looking, back from their summer trips and summer jobs, and ready to party. The place was teeming with the popular kids, the rah-rahs, lots of 20-somethings too, and younger teenagers, as well. I stayed on the sidelines and just enjoyed listening to the band playing, and watching the crowd dancing. Then the band switched to a slow song and anybody dancing without a partner moved off to the side, while others paired up. The dancing area was still crowded. The organizers must have been so pleased with the huge turnout.

“Would you like to dance?” Standing in front of me was Leonard.

I hadn’t noticed him there, but he must have noticed me. I had hardly any time to grasp how wonderful this was. Me? The one who was always the wallflower. Here he was, looking absolutely gorgeous, dressed immaculately in a starched white shirt, slim and handsome, and he was asking me to dance. I thought I should pinch myself to wake myself up. This couldn’t be real. I hoped I didn’t look too surprised, but I sure was.

I looked into Leonard’s beautiful eyes. “Yes,” I replied and offered my hand.

We moved out into the middle of the dancing area, and he put one arm around my waist and held my hand in the other. I put my left hand on his shoulder and lay my head gently on his chest. I was in heaven. Heaven had just descended on my Earth. I closed my eyes. I wanted to savour this moment. I was the luckiest girl in the world right now. I was in a dreamland. Could this really be happening to me? I could fall in love right now, right this minute.

Leonard and I waltzed around for a minute or so, and I thought I should open my eyes just to see what was happening around me. I wondered if anyone was looking at us. Maybe someone would be jealous, just as I often was when I saw couples holding hands and dancing closely together. I wished I had never opened my eyes. I noticed that it seemed like everyone was staring at me, at us, but not in a nice way. Why us? This was bizarre.

There were 30 or 40 couples dancing together, we weren’t alone on the dance floor. So why was everyone staring at us? It was like I was a freak in a sideshow. What was going on? Even some of the girls who were dancing with guys were glaring at me. Suddenly, I came out of my dream world and I felt self-conscious. I couldn’t figure this out.

The song ended, Leonard quickly moved away, thanked me, and left me standing there. He must have noticed it, too. I blinked and he was gone into the crowd. Here it was again, what was wrong with me? Why did the town hate me?

I had no idea why Leonard would ask me to dance and then get away from me as fast as he could. I stood there in utter disbelief. Did my name scare him off? That couldn’t be it. He knew my last name. It didn’t bother him in Colleen’s car the day before when he talked to me so nicely. I was so upset and confused. What had I done?

When we lived on the farm, I walked home almost two miles in the snow, the sleet, the rain, the doom, the gloom. I could handle that. I knew what I was facing. I knew what I had to do. But I didn’t know what to do about this. How can you face the enemy when you can’t see the enemy? Or even know what the enemy is.

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I arrived home and walked in the door. My mother and my three brothers were standing in a small circle in the middle of the living room. They were holding some papers in their hands and looking at them. As soon as they saw me, they quit talking. I was suspicious. Something was up. I brushed past them to go to the bathroom. When I came out, they were still standing there, talking quietly. Then I was very curious.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

They looked at their papers, not at me, and said, “We changed our name to Fread.”

Doug had apparently been advocating for this name change, and they all agreed to do it. The papers had finally arrived and now the name change was official. They had not said one word about it to me, until now.

I stood there in disbelief. The whole town hated me, and now my family had gone ahead with a name-changing experience without even considering my feelings, or even mentioning it to me. I was at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say to them. However, they had more words for me.

“It doesn’t matter to you. You will get married and then your name will be changed, too.”

I mulled this over in my mind. “I will get married,” they said. When was that going to be? I couldn’t even make it past one dance or one date. Who wanted to date a Freak, never mind marry a Freak? Sure, a groom’s name carried on once a couple got married and they had children, but I still had to find someone who would agree to marry a Freak.

So far things weren’t working out too well for me in Dryden. Could it be any better someplace else? My name would follow me anywhere, even to the moon.

Had my family included me in this name change, that could have marked a big turning point in my life. It surely would have. The awkward Freak girl would have become a Fread. The ugly duckling would have become a beautiful swan. But it was not to be.

I hung my head and went up to my bedroom. I tried not to think about it too much. This only made me sadder, and a bit angry.

I guessed that it must have cost them money and I didn’t have money to pay for it. Maybe it cost too much. Maybe I wasn’t worth it. I had lived with my name this long. It wasn’t going to kill me. I was strong. I could live with it as long as I had to. I never considered that I had options. I considered it was fate and that was it.

I had no idea how to go about changing my name, though I was sure I could have found out. Uncle Felix had changed his name before I was born. Our whole family wasn’t smart enough to change it back then, but now they were. Except not including me. I wasn’t smart enough to figure out how to do it myself. But I was sure it would be quite simple for me, much simpler compared to my brothers who owned cars and my mother who owned a house.

Why didn’t I stick up for myself? Why didn’t I protest to them? I was so used to being beaten down that I just accepted it.

I felt so utterly alone that night, being jilted once again by a guy I liked, and then coming home and finding out that my family had deserted me.

I was now the last Freak standing, the only one who still carried the burden of that name.