Chapter 36: Father Figure

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— Full chapters will appear in the printed published book. —

Now that my plans to go to university were about to become a reality, I needed to tally things up and establish a budget very carefully. Supporting myself for the next year would not be easy. There would be no money coming from my mother, of that I was certain. Financially, I was on my own and I needed enough money to pay my expenses during the school year, until I could work again, which I estimated would be the following May. I would need to cover eight months and then I could come back to Dryden and work at the mill for four months, hopefully, and save up even more money for the following year. This was conjecture, of course, as there were no guarantees of a summer job at the mill.

Other than the money I could find myself, I had no other source of funds whatsoever, so I needed to spend wisely and prudently. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to do well in university if I had to split my time and also work a part-time job. Education was my primary focus, and my key to the future. I could not risk failing any subjects. There was no back-up plan for me, except to come back home and live with mom, or find a job somewhere. To drop out of university would signify utter failure for me. I was determined to succeed.

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Regardless of this disappointment, I was looking forward — actually I could hardly wait — to share my big news with Roland, that I would be heading to university in September. Not only that, but I think I had my finances figured out. Good things were happening for me.

So within minutes of seeing Roland again, I proudly announced the news. “I’m going away to university in London, Ontario!”

He was speechless, but not in a good way. It looked like he had seen a ghost. He looked shocked and totally surprised. He even looked sad and forlorn.

I expected he would be so proud of me and excited at my achievement. I had mentioned before that I was applying to Western University, so he shouldn’t be too surprised. But maybe he wasn’t really listening, or perhaps he didn’t think I was serious about it.

“What about me?” he asked.

I think he wanted to be happy for me, but he was conflicted. He looked so disappointed. I hadn’t thought too much about him, to be honest. And I hadn’t included him in any of these decisions, either. I didn’t think we had progressed that far in our relationship that we would include each other in any future plans. We had been dating for only a few months.

It was the first time I realized that Roland and I were now somewhat devoted to each other. A few months ago, none of my plans involved him. I made the assumption that he would stay in Dryden, working at the mill, and I would leave in September for London. We could write to each other and I could come back to Dryden at Christmas to see him, if we were both still interested in each other. I was determined to go to university and it never occurred to me that I should include him in my decision. Perhaps this was very selfish of me.

Certainly, I knew what my dreams and goals were, but I honestly wasn’t sure I could make university happen. This process was new to me, and I had only so much control over what could happen. This I learned time and time again in my life.

Before I got the university acceptance letter and the notices about my student loan, I wasn’t sure of my options. I needed to know that I could pay for it. Now I had the money lined up, so I knew it was possible to do it. This was all part of my plan for my success. I would never need to depend on anyone ever again. A university education would ensure that I could always support myself and have control over my life, never having to be left stranded at a stranger’s house without a ride home, or having my happiness shattered by someone ruling over me who was a tyrant and an idiot.

“I don’t know about you,” I said to Roland, as kindly as I could. “Finally, I have this opportunity to go to university and the ability to do it, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m sorry, I will not give that up for anybody. I’ve worked too hard for this to throw it all away.”

For just a moment, he seemed to be deep in thought, pondering my news, and then without hesitation he replied. “Well, I’m coming with you. I’m not staying here without you.”

“But you have a job here. You can’t just leave your job like that, can you?” I looked at him quizzically. I didn’t expect him to quit his good-paying, secure job at the mill. He had worked there for almost nine years. It would be a risk for him to move and try to get as good a job somewhere else. He might be unemployed. I had enough money to support myself, but he would have to find his own place and a job.

“I’m going with you,” he said again, this time emphatically. “I won’t stay here without you. I’ll find a job somehow, somewhere.”

I stood there for a moment and looked at him. Initially maybe he was dumbfounded, but now I was the one who was dumbfounded. I didn’t comprehend it totally at first. This man was willing to give up his job and do whatever he had to do just to be with me. He didn’t try to talk me out of it, or plead with me to stay in Dryden. I found it hard to believe that someone cared enough about me to make me the focus of their life and give up everything else. This was, in a sense, a declaration of unconditional love for me, something I had never experienced before.

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On July 20, 1969, the first man landed on the moon. It was a significant and memorable day for Roland and I in one other major important way, too. Since we were planning to leave town together and embark on a new adventure, for a new life, in just a few more weeks, I wanted to have some security and commitment from him. Since we agreed that we would be spending the foreseeable future together, and likely the rest of our lives together, we agreed we would get married. It was a mutual decision.

Later, we watched TV and saw the footage of the moon landing, and so this date would always remain in our own personal history for more than one reason. We weren’t in a hurry to get married, we would have to think about it once we moved to London. The promise of marriage was made, but we had no idea how we would do it, or when. Roland had some money saved up but not very much, certainly not nearly enough to host a wedding ceremony. For now, we were just happy to know that we would be together.

My mother didn’t say much about our relationship, except that, if I ever dumped him, she would be happy to pick up the pieces. I believe she said that seriously, not as a joke. I didn’t think she was trying to be funny. I wasn’t sure how to take that comment. I think she was jealous of me. I knew that Raymond did not approve of our relationship, though I was not quite sure why. Bruce didn’t care one way or the other. It did not matter to me whether they approved or not. I made my own decisions based on my rationale and my happiness.

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The production supervisor called me into his office on my last day of work. He had my letter of reference ready. He told me to read it. It was full of praise and ended with the usual, “I would recommend Marlene for any kind of office job.” I knew he had a very high opinion of me and my abilities, he showed his appreciation and praised me often. He asked me about my future plans and then added a suggestion which I thought was very enlightening, if not curious.

“You should consider taking a charm course,” he said.

I was a bit perplexed about this. “What exactly is a charm course?”

“You know, charm school, where you learn to be charming.”

I suppose I could have been insulted, but I wasn’t. Obviously he didn’t think I was charming enough. I didn’t even know that charm schools existed. Perhaps for royalty, certainly not for me. I knew he had only best wishes for me. He tried to explain it better but I could see he was searching for words, trying to be as diplomatic as he could. He said that I was such a marvelous employee, but my abilities and knowledge may be overlooked because I’m too quiet and not outgoing enough. In other words, I needed to improve my personality. He was right, of course. It always helps to be charming.

An appealing personality would certainly help me relate and engage with others, to get a job, to keep a job, to be promoted. I was shy, serious and hardworking, but not bubbly or outgoing. I was not a very good conversationalist and I didn’t always know the best way to approach someone or interact with them.

I thanked him for his suggestion, but it caused me to now worry. I knew if I wanted a really good job and wanted to be competitive, I would have to become more likeable and, as he said, more charming. That would be a challenge. How would I learn that? I was always quiet at school and at work. I was often afraid to say very much because of the fear of being criticizing and ridiculed. I did not have much self-confidence in my social skills, and yet I knew I was a valuable worker and an asset to the company.

I decided I should try to take a charm course, if I could find one.

I never did find one.