Chapter 26: A Brand New Day

— Chapters appear as excerpts only. —

— Full chapters will appear in the printed published book. —

One day, out of the blue, my brother Bruce reappeared back at the farmhouse. He drove up the driveway in his car, I was so surprised. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be at university in Guelph. Was he here for a visit? He informed me that he had dropped out of school and moved back to Dryden. He wanted to know where Raymond and mom were. I didn’t know where Raymond was, but mom was most certainly at the Cascade Hotel. Bruce left and he didn’t come by the farm again.

One Sunday in early April, Cliff was in a very foul mood. It started before breakfast with one of the loudest and meanest rants I had ever heard from him. He was deadly silent through breakfast, and then he turned into a snorting bull by the time we went back to the barn yard to continue the day’s work.

After these few years of living with him and knowing his routines, I had created a little game to play with Cliff on Sundays, a bit of a cat and mouse game, and it helped to pass some time and amuse me a little. When Cliff was out of sight, I tried to sneak back to the house. I knew he would be searching for me very soon, and would yell at me to come back. My challenge was to see how far I could get before that happened. One time, I actually made it up to my room and was there for about five minutes before he realized I was gone. I felt I had won a little bit of a victory to have gotten that far. However, I was sure Cliff thought he won, to have found me and brought me back to work.

This particular Sunday, however, something was very different about Cliff’s demeanour. I decided it was best that I didn’t try that game this day.

●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●

“Get back on that horse!” Cliff yelled. His face was deep red and he was sputtering and spitting like an overheated teapot. I quickly got out of his way, out of the range of the whip, and ran up to the house. Cliff had gone totally berserk.

This was the final straw for me. Mental cruelty was difficult to prove, but now I had evidence of physical harm. Besides whipping me, he had endangered my life. This should be enough evidence for the children’s aid society to take my side and do something about this situation.

I was now intent on leaving the farm. I would pack some things and walk down the road. I didn’t know where. I would figure that out somehow. Maybe I would go to Ed’s Grocery. The store would be closed on Sunday, but Ed lived behind it. He had shown some empathy, so he could help me, I hoped. I dreaded the thought of living in a foster home with strangers, but nothing could be worse than my current life. Anything had to be better than this.

I came into the house and yelled at my mom, “Cliff is whipping me and I’m leaving!” I was furious, at him and at her. I clomped up the stairs and looked around my bedroom. What should I take with me? I could carry only so much. I rifled around in the moth-infested closet and found the battered old suitcase I had used when we moved here. I quickly threw some basic things into it, mostly my school clothes. Some of the farm clothes I could leave behind.

I dragged my suitcase down the stairs, I saw mom was on the phone. Then she hung up.

“We’re moving out, we’re leaving!” she announced. “This is the last straw!”

My eyes lit up. What? Could this be true? We were leaving the farm, this horrible prison camp? 

●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●

I felt like we had moved into a palace and I was a princess. For me, it was so absolutely beautiful and wonderful. It was a dream come true. The house was small, with a kitchen, living room, two bedrooms and a bathroom. My mom and I would sleep in one bedroom, while Raymond and Bruce would share the other bedroom. It was perfect. I looked into the bathroom and saw a sink, toilet and bathtub. I stopped and stared at it. I could have a warm bath tonight and wash my hair!

My brothers hauled in the furniture, and my mother and I made the beds. As soon as I could, I asked if I could use the bathroom to have a warm bath. My mom said yes. It was so soothing to have a warm bath in my own bathtub. And I didn’t have Edith coming in and out reminding me to wash under my arms and other places. I changed into my pyjamas. I was so at peace with the world. I slept so well that night, it was incredible. I felt like the luckiest person on Earth. No one would have been able to convince me that I was not the happiest girl in the world. This was better than Christmas, better than anything!

And, above all, no Cliff Lewis.

The next morning, the sun was shining. At least I thought it was. In fact, it could have been raining and bleak. I just knew that my outlook was now so much brighter and sunnier, that it would be enough to light up the whole town of Dryden. A new day had dawned, both literally and figuratively.

I could now walk to school in less than 10 minutes. No more school bus, and no more long lonely walks on a desolate bush road. I couldn’t wait to tell my friend Janice that we had moved into town. Now we could see each other after school and on weekends. I could walk downtown and look at the stores. I could do whatever I pleased.

And, best of all, my oppressor had been vanquished.

I was totally gleeful and ecstatic about our new home. I felt like I had been released from a prison or a labour camp. I was no longer alone, and I no longer cried myself to sleep every night. There were only happy days in my life now. I didn’t think that anything could make me sad again. It was like we had won the lottery!

Now that I lived in town, I could keep myself clean, so I knew I smelled better. I thought this might make a difference and make me more popular. I thought it helped a little bit. When they picked teams in gym class, sometimes I was picked before one or two of the other girls, so that was an improvement. I wasn’t the least popular girl in class. I had moved up a rung. 

●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●       ●

One night when I was home alone, there was a knock at the door. I slowly opened the door a few inches to see who it was. Standing there in the shadows was Cliff. This could be a scene out of a horror movie.

Cliff’s appearance shocked me. I had never seen him look so pitiful. He had always given the impression of this strong, aggressive, over-bearing slave master. Now he looked beaten down and defeated. The dim light did not enhance his appearance either, it made him look like a disfigured, ugly, old man.

“Can I speak to your mom?” Cliff asked sullenly.

“She’s not home,” I replied.

He hung his head. “I’m sorry,” he said to me.

Cliff had never said sorry for anything before, ever. I almost felt sorry for him. He was the one who was alone now. He asked me politely to tell mom that he had called, that he wanted to see her. What a change in behaviour. He had never asked me to do anything before. He always shouted and bellowed at me to do whatever he said. It was such a different feeling for me to see Cliff like this, someone who was so mean-spirited and cruel no longer having control over me. It felt so good knowing he could never tell me what to do again.

He turned to leave but I stopped him, “Hey, just a minute.”

“What?” he asked.

“I want to know how Blacky is doing.” I missed my dog, my faithful and often only companion.

“She ran away a few days after you left,” he said. “I haven’t seen her since.” 

My eyes welled up at this sad news, my poor dog.

Then he disappeared into the shadows. I never saw Cliff Lewis again.

I closed the door and stood there as all the memories came back in a flood of emotions.

In five years, I had lost so much. I lost my father, I lost my favourite kitten, I lost my special little happy black calf, I lost a large part of what could have been a happy childhood. I felt that I had lost my ability to have fun, or to even know what fun was. I also lost my mother in a sense, because we had grown so far apart. I had also lost so much respect for her, due to her weakness and inability to take care of her family, succumbing to the domination of a tyrant.

And now, I felt so sad that my sole companion who was with me during those long lonely days and nights had ended up with this fate. Blacky was the one who protected me and made me feel safe. I should not have been surprised that Blacky left. Blacky probably hated Cliff as much as we did. I just hoped that someone took her in and she didn’t perish in the woods.

I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. The tears trickled down my cheeks. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself for those lost years. I tried not to think about what might have been. Those five years had affected my emotions in ways I could not control.

This cloud of loneliness, isolation and despair would never leave me completely, it became a part of me. It would follow me throughout my life. When I would be surrounded by happiness and joy, years later and decades later, with so much to be thankful for, I would somehow see darkness. I would have to search for the silver lining to find it, it wouldn’t simply appear like it might for many other people. The sadness always burbled just below the surface.

Now more than ever, I had the chance to be like others and to be accepted as one of them. However, whether I liked it or not, I was still a Freak.